Today, I encountered topacio althaus for the first time. She regularly sets up a small table and typewriter at our local farmers market, with a sign asking for a topic and a price, promising a poem at the end of the transaction.
My sister-in-law approached ms. althaus with a financial offering and a suggested topic of our young children: brother and sister and cousin, one of them a newborn, one three, one four. Here now is the poem that resulted:
I too took up the challenge of the topic and created the following on my phone:
Three
Three wee ones
Some whipping like warm summer wind
Through the forest of ancient wrinkled calves and knees
Saturday’s lumbering farmers market shoppers
One sleeping, mouth gaping, chirping like a settling bird
Three
Three!
Weeeeeee!
Bound by blood
Sister brother cousin
Georgia in her mother’s arms, three weeks old
Isaac, three plus one, so four, patiently enduring the face painter and stares from tiny cousin Merryn, three
She who is eager to run and play more before his batman cheek is done
Three!
Bound forevermore by this memory
The warm early autumn morn
Among those busy being old, shopping, and nearly born
I see you, second uncle
shrunken drunkard
Can you see me
Uncle, uncle
See me uncle, uncle
Is this the way to channel the glories of our day?
Another morning bed of bottles, yet more cramping bowels
A head of rusty nails announcing their decay
Your slick-tongued whispers now rotten breath howls
Again
You did it again
Forsaken the miracle
Again
And goddamnit you’re fifty-farking-four years old!
Get it together, uncle.
I’m not judging but this shit is getting ridiculous.
I see you, second uncle
shrunken drunkard
Can you see me
Uncle uncle
See me, uncle, uncle
Generally speaking, this brownish-red mole right here on my left shoulder, just here on the deltoid, kept me awake last night from 11:50pm to 4:20am with anxiety.
It’s ironic because it’s the very same mole I worried about earlier that day, and you and I both know that.
Needless to say.
Specifically, all the people who participate in the broader medical field and who discuss issues like these and other issues frighten me.
I’m paraphrasing but my doctor said these exact words that I recorded in my iPhone, “Get that mole removed now!”
Fortunately, it’s malignant. bah
Exhaustion blurred his burning eyes
Inflamed the crumbling apertures
Rendering all his training and the dreams of success the training pledged in slick brochures and chummy fireside chats
Useless
He’d forgotten how to sleep
A total disconnect from the gifts his mother gave him
All the patient opportunities she presented daily, hourly
And now his life forever will feel this way
Forever
Or so he believes
Truth is if he called his mother she may unlock the secret passage to restoration
But can he remember the number
Or has the synaptic drought become complete?
Oh for the love of god a cool room and a warm bed and a delicate hand to caress his back is all he needs
Mommy!
Moooommmmmy!
Don’t abandon him again, even though we all know he abandoned you
my heart swells and tears
as you grow
complex and individual
and invent rhymes
invent sounds
evolve this maelstrom of ideas storming about
among these harmonies anciently defined for all of us by god knows what
the book of our time for all time altered
by this initiative sprung seemingly from nowhere
now course-correcting all that loneliness and despair
my misguided cynicism
my naivete
and so now suddenly I am cast as the wise one
and as you grow
complex and individual
I may now wear these robes and powdered wigs without shame or hubris
your birth I now know is my birth too
your maturation too, mine
and this transformation is the most painful joy I’ve known
because it’s unlimited in movement and volition and so impossible to hold close and still
living as all things do in memory, slipping from this wonderful present too gladly
what may I hold onto but the reality that change is afoot and that you have changed me fundamentally
I’m so painfully honored to suffer the impact of your presence and influence I put down this poem and I put away this poem to be with you as much as I can lest too much more time passes
without me
suffering you.
When you tell me I’m responsible for the pee on the bathroom floor
I find I must educate you on the inability to tame an organic fountain and the mindless geyser it produces
– ? –
Is this really the argument we’re having right now, can’t you just clean it up for Christ’s sake
– ? –
And we devolve from there, the pinnacle of our loving repartee
Clawing our ways to a bottom that does not exist
Fathoms with fingernails
Splinters and bloody bone
Fathoms
Until stuck pigs sound like opera singers
Until f’s, c’s, and k’s fill our mouths like an orator’s sea-polished stones
Until the ugliness of everything fed to us about our gender comes true
Bandages stripped, wounds rotten and exposed
A slow pulsing tear in the stitching of our skin
Welcome to everything your little heart desired, welcome to the promised land
It would be so easy for me to evolve into a jolly old elf, laughing heartily, bringing cheer and mirth to the humdrum day
It’s as if it were in my DNA or etched in some god’s tablets, decreed by the founding fathers
And Obama
But I don’t want to be fat
You hear me, ye spinsters of fate
I don’t want to be fat
I want tone and the envy of my peers just as badly as I crave the classic sundae before me
Dreams dilemmas and delusions
The working title of my autobiography
There’s something to smoothing the edges out
To ceasing unnecessary concerns
It feels good to have lived these many lifetimes in this short lifetime
And remain alive
It feels good to hold you knowing you’ve lived lifetimes too
And still chose me and continue to choose
I may count my blessings but I don’t always keep track of the balance
And there is something to that endeavour we call record keeping
That balances things (and not just check books!)
The effort keeps the going smooth despite all the noise thrown our way
Helps us find a silence in this embrace
This journey together
The factory of your mind is closing
The light fading
Like the dying arc of an ancient sun in another universe we’ve yet to find
Take me there with you
So that I may shout my echoes among the damp white walls and abandoned work stations
So that I may suffer the reverberations in my chalky bones and decay
With you
As we promised
Forever ago
In that universe we’ve yet to find
You tell me a blast of light bathed you
And you were saved.
Salvation, baby, salvation.
Salvation.
You salivate as if you’re bathing me in something novel and unique.
Alas.
All light blasts.
From your bathroom bulbs to your annoying book light shifting every time you turn the page or adjust your weight to find the cool spot in our unmarried king-sized bed, ah, just imagine the sin.
Blasting faster than your dreams conceive in their darkest of deep dark dreams.
Bathing all of us baby.
Baby.
So next time try to tone down your enlightened enthusiasm and bring me something I can use, man.
Man.