bewildered father’s bewildered note

my heart swells and tears
as you grow
complex and individual
and invent rhymes
invent sounds
evolve this maelstrom of ideas storming about
among these harmonies anciently defined for all of us by god knows what

the book of our time for all time altered
by this initiative sprung seemingly from nowhere
now course-correcting all that loneliness and despair
my misguided cynicism
my naivete

and so now suddenly I am cast as the wise one
and as you grow
complex and individual
I may now wear these robes and powdered wigs without shame or hubris
your birth I now know is my birth too
your maturation too, mine

and this transformation is the most painful joy I’ve known
because it’s unlimited in movement and volition and so impossible to hold close and still
living as all things do in memory, slipping from this wonderful present too gladly
what may I hold onto but the reality that change is afoot and that you have changed me fundamentally
I’m so painfully honored to suffer the impact of your presence and influence I put down this poem and I put away this poem to be with you as much as I can lest too much more time passes
without me
suffering you.


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